I have a confession. I've been in love with the same man for almost forty years. Impossibly handsome, funny, rich, hugely successful, a rocket in the sack. In short, he's heaven. He's also entirely fictional. Yes, it's that irresistible bastard, Rupert Campbell-Black. Jilly Cooper's finest work.
We all have our winter traditions. As the darker days roll in, the big jumpers come out and I immerse myself in the glamorous, snow-dusted world of Jilly Cooper's Rivals in the run up to Christmas. While I love Cooper’s entire oeuvre, Rivals, about the Eighties television scene, is my favourite. I've read it at least 40 times (this is no exaggeration) and Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without my RC-B indulgence.
Next year, Disney is bringing Rupert and co to life with a TV adaptation of Rivals. When the news broke earlier this year, Twitter blew up with Cooper fans going wild when they saw the casting. It stars Alex Hassell as Rupert, David Tennant as Tony Baddingham, and Aidan Turner as Declan, so it's going to be a complete sex fest and I can't bloody wait!
I've been reading the works of the great JC since I was knee-high to a riding boot. I was 14 when I first stole Riders from my mother and along with Shirley Conrad's Lace and Jackie Collins' Hollywood Wives, I can safely say my sex education was garnered purely from their pages. (Although, I did think orgies would feature a lot more in my life than they actually do.)
But I've since realised that Jilly Cooper has single-handedly ruined me for men. Rupert Campbell-Black was definitely my first love and even though he's now 60 in her latest book, Tackle! I still very much 'would'. The same goes for Ricky France-Lynch, the heavenly Lysander Hawkley, Patrick O'Hara, and his father Declan. I'd definitely give Luke Alderton, her hero in Polo, a good seeing-to, (although it was his evil brother, Red that I had wet dreams over). Even Roberto Rannaldini, the cruel and darkly Satanic conductor from The Man Who Made Husbands Jealous and Score! is an absolute horn. His Roman themed ecstasy-fuelled orgy still lives rent-free in my mind.
I think I'll be perennially single because there are very few men that are quite as charismatic, charming and, let's face it, as hot as lava, as Cooper's characters. No one does sex scenes like Jilly. Reading her books during my virginal years, sex always seemed like fun. Lots of fun. With plenty of euphemisms – “otters diving into summer streams” anyone? – and jokes smattered throughout her scenes of threesomes, foursomes, bondage and booty calls.
And who could forget Rupert’s rhyme in Rivals:
‘First of May, First of May
Outdoor fucking starts today
But of course it do rain
And we all fucks off indoor again.’
Which inspired the first of May to be called Jilly Cooper Day.
However, I also love Cooper's portrayal of women. While she’s been slated as being anti-feminist in the past, she's not afraid of having strong female characters threaded throughout her books. I think it was Fleet Street rivals, sauce pot Janey Lloyd-Fox and the deliciously slutty Beattie Johnson, who inspired my journalism career. And who could not love the epic career bitch, Cameron Cook in Rivals, who was said to shag like an electric eel.
In fact, I’d say it’s impossible to be snobby about Cooper's books. Everybody loves them. Even Rishi Sunak is a fan, describing them as “pure escapism”. And that's what they've been for more than forty years, an alluring escape into the sexy, salacious world of the upper classes. And that's exactly where you'll find me this Christmas.
Merry Christmas from Rhonda and Tracey
For a real festive treat, listen to Daisy Buchanan interview Jilly on her You're Booked podcast. It’s a delight.